Where have I been?

So, aside from the comment about Gygax, I haven't said anything for three months… and I last left off with "I haven't had a game in a year, I need to run something." So what happened?

I had an allergic reaction to all my commitments in the gaming community. It was suddenly all too much… the Fudge community, a potential Fudge Factor relaunch, the Wichita Roleplayers and potential Game Days, Gorilla Con and a game I said I'd run… and on top of that I piled "I'm going to come up with a new campaign and recruit a new group!" And I couldn't even come up with anything I wanted to play, let alone run. And I was darn busy with non-gaming life, and Cub Scouts turned out to be a lot more stress than I expected.

Yikes. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I walked away from all gaming-related stuff… I quit reading gaming blogs, I quit listening to gaming podcasts, I silently dropped plans for the Fudge Factor relaunch, I'm not talking about Fudge (though I moderate the List), and I gave up on trying to put together a group and even trying to do any gaming-related (or even non-gaming-related) writing. I stalled on the decision to go to Gorilla Con next week, and still haven't made up my mind… would it be "good medicine" or would it be a waste of a weekend and a couple hundred bucks? (Last year wasn't what I hoped it would be.)

I thought about writing something here earlier, but I wasn't even sure what to say. With Gorilla Con coming up next week, I'm coming up on the anniversary of the last time I roleplayed with adults, and that wasn't a very good experience. And I feel like I could go another year without roleplaying and maybe it wouldn't bother me.

The last five years or so of gaming has been frustration for me. Every session has left me wondering what I'm doing wrong… trying to find the right style, the right balance of rules, and I'm never really comfortable with how it comes out.

So I find myself asking, "What do I like about roleplaying games? How far back do I have to look in my gaming career to find the games I really liked?" I think it was the Miramer campaign… and that was over ten years ago.

I'm wondering if my frustration stems from people issues… most of the people in the Miramer campaign don't even live in Wichita anymore.

So I'm not even sure what I want anymore. I think I'm going through a midlife crisis… regretting my choice of career, frustrated with where my bad (probably ADHD) habits have put me, and now finding that the one hobby I've stuck with since middle school, the hobby that is a core part of my identity, brings me no joy.

Maybe I just need a good gaming session to kick-start things… but I don't know where to find it.