NaNoWriMo: Writing is easy, starting is hard
This has been a pretty interesting experience so far. I've never actually tried to write dialog before, and I'm finding it a lot easier than I expected. I don't find the process of writing hard or unpleasant, but the surprising thing is that even when the writing is going well, I find it hard to start.
A couple times it was because I didn't know what I was going to write when I started. For instance, I finished a scene at the end of my first writing session, and starting the second was difficult because, while I knew what had to be accomplished in the next scene, I didn't know how to start it or have any clue what the characters would say. When I finally sat down to write, after much stalling, I skipped that scene, or at least the beginning of it and jumped into the middle of a later conversation.
But even when I left a scene unfinished, I had a lot of trouble sitting down to finish it. Partially, I think, because I didn't really know where the scene was going.
It's a weird feeling, though. Even when I know where things are going, even when I know that I enjoy the process of writing once I get rolling, I find I'm reluctant to start. What mental block am I dealing with, that's telling me that I don't want to write, when I actually like doing it and am satisfied with the quality of the work? Some secret, unconscious fear that it's really horrible. It can't be any more of a waste of time than roleplaying or watching TV… it's not a "I have better things to do". I'm really wondering if it's just habit. That I expect it to be uncomfortable, because it's been uncomfortable in the past.
Or maybe I'm just afraid of success. If it actually is any good, I'll feel obligated to pursue it further. That it will quit being fun and turn into real work, like I did with my programming hobby (now my career), like I did with roleplaying (I can't just play, I have to create, and creating leads to trying to publish, and trying to organize communities). Maybe I'm really afraid, having found this to be enjoyable, that I'll find a way to make it an obligation and suck all the joy out of it.
I don't know. I don't feel any of those ways consciously. I just know that I don't feel like writing until two minutes after I've started, but getting started is way harder than it ought to be.