NaNoWriMo – not for me
Well, NaNo blew my blogging out of the water. I quickly fell behind on my novel, and didn't feel like I should write blog posts when I didn't feel like working on the novel.
My big problem was that I fell behind, and the further behind I got, the more intimidating and overwhelming the idea of striving to complete it by December became. So with nobody cheering me on, I didn't have much incentive to not slack off.
Doing this under a tight deadline just isn't for me. I need to find a way to establish a writing habit that isn't driven by anxiety or self-imposed pressure. (I've never been good with self-imposed deadlines, and I've certainly never been good at tricking myself into believing that something matters when it really doesn't.)
So I've still got this novel, and I think it has the makings of a reasonably good story. I plan to finish it, but I have to find a way to finish it on my own terms.
NaNoWriMo: Writing is easy, starting is hard
This has been a pretty interesting experience so far. I've never actually tried to write dialog before, and I'm finding it a lot easier than I expected. I don't find the process of writing hard or unpleasant, but the surprising thing is that even when the writing is going well, I find it hard to start.
A couple times it was because I didn't know what I was going to write when I started. For instance, I finished a scene at the end of my first writing session, and starting the second was difficult because, while I knew what had to be accomplished in the next scene, I didn't know how to start it or have any clue what the characters would say. When I finally sat down to write, after much stalling, I skipped that scene, or at least the beginning of it and jumped into the middle of a later conversation.
But even when I left a scene unfinished, I had a lot of trouble sitting down to finish it. Partially, I think, because I didn't really know where the scene was going.
It's a weird feeling, though. Even when I know where things are going, even when I know that I enjoy the process of writing once I get rolling, I find I'm reluctant to start. What mental block am I dealing with, that's telling me that I don't want to write, when I actually like doing it and am satisfied with the quality of the work? Some secret, unconscious fear that it's really horrible. It can't be any more of a waste of time than roleplaying or watching TV… it's not a "I have better things to do". I'm really wondering if it's just habit. That I expect it to be uncomfortable, because it's been uncomfortable in the past.
Or maybe I'm just afraid of success. If it actually is any good, I'll feel obligated to pursue it further. That it will quit being fun and turn into real work, like I did with my programming hobby (now my career), like I did with roleplaying (I can't just play, I have to create, and creating leads to trying to publish, and trying to organize communities). Maybe I'm really afraid, having found this to be enjoyable, that I'll find a way to make it an obligation and suck all the joy out of it.
I don't know. I don't feel any of those ways consciously. I just know that I don't feel like writing until two minutes after I've started, but getting started is way harder than it ought to be.
NaNoWriMo: Day 3, back in the saddle
Alright, 537 words, which is barely a third of my goal for the day, but at least I got back to writing. After a day of sitting at the keyboard, my shoulder really didn't need more aggravation, but that wasn't the real obstacle. The show-stopper was my usual problem: I had finished a scene and really didn't know how to start the next one and I was, as usual, reluctant to sit down and start writing because I didn't know what to write.
And that's much of the point of NaNo for me… to encourage me to write when I don't know what to write. So I started somewhere mid-scene, and once I know a little better how the scene works, I can go back and fill in the opening part of the scene.
Unfortunately, it's already bedtime and I've developed a headache, so I'm calling it a day quite a bit short of my goal. But I'm actually rather pleased… I sat down and wrote, when I didn't want to write, and I feel good about what I produced. Right now, quantity isn't even so important as the process. If I can feel good about the writing and get over that early hurdle of not wanting to even get started, I can push for 3000-word days later in the month and it won't be a problem.